"This Shit Just Ain't That Deep" |

“This Shit Just Ain’t That Deep”

I guess I thought that after tonight I’d stop feeling so anxious. But no sooner had the worry about when my mom would pass left my body, than it was replaced by a host of other things to dwell on. I’m reminded of a phrase, however, that was bestowed upon me by my life coach, Ali Rodway. In times of stress and worry over small things, she asked me to remember.. “this shit just ain’t that deep.”

“Aha!” I said, “I resonate with that.” I explained to Ali that her phrase made me recall the day I had been sitting in the waiting room of the surgery ward with my family as we waited the five and a half hours it took to try to extract bits of the tumor from my Mom’s brain. I was on tumblr -duh- reading supportive messages and looking at some really excellent cat gifs, when an email caught my eye. It was a YouTube comment. I’m not sure what channel of mine it was from and I honestly cannot recall the content of it… but it was nasty. And then a weird thing happened…

The part of me that would normally feel a sting, a swooping feeling in my stomach, and an increased heat in my ears… seemed to be on a break. Where did that part of me go? Why was my usual, habitual reaction to rudeness absent? Well.. it was simple… That shit just wasn’t that deep.

It couldn’t have mattered less to me in that moment what some asshole on the Internet decided to pound mindlessly into his keyboard in my general direction. What rage he had inside of him that he could only find outlets for by attempting to harm the innocent. And then an even weirder thing happened… I felt bad for the commenter. I felt bad that an important part of his day is apparently to annoy, enrage, or upset a total stranger. How sad. And I really mean it, I felt sad for him. I think he could have used a hug. Not a swift kick in the dick, a hug. Because swift kicks in the dick, metaphorical or otherwise, are how he got to this point… And I wasn’t about to exacerbate the situation by kicking him more. In fact, I wasn’t interested in responding at all. I would have done that in the past, but in that moment it was just so fucking clearly not worth it. Not for me, not for him, and not for anyone else who might come across the thread and feel aything at all about it. Not worth it.

I was facing the fact that my mother might not come out of surgery alive. And even if she did, I was still facing the complete and utter unknown that comes along with a cancer diagnosis. And for once, I was able to separate myself from the rude words on the screen and see them for what they were… unhappiness. because you can’t attack someone else when you are totally happy with your life. It simply does not occur to you to get angry about nonsense. Of course, we all have our moments of weakness when we succumb to anger. We’re only human. But it’s been my observation that some people, who have never learned any better, go to anger first and often. And that is no one’s concern but their own. Their inner ugliness to sort out if they are ever able to. And when someone else crosses their dark path and is touched by their anger, they have a choice of how to react. Not an easy choice, but a choice nonetheless.

That day, I chose to ignore. I ignored it so well that I can’t even remember what it was anymore. That was a milestone for me. And I went back to that day when Ali recited her brilliant phrase. I realized that the strength I had that day to see that, “this shit just ain’t that deep,” was a strength I could call up at other times, not just when my Mom’s life was hanging in the balance. It was so clear to me that day, why couldn’t it be that clear on other days? I had a mental block that day that didn’t allow the hate in. How blissful would it be if I could have that road block up and running on a regular basis? How lovely that would be…

And so, now that she is gone and my main concern will be spending time with my father, I need to call up this brilliant phrase. None of the shit I’m worrying about is really that deep. It’s been consuming me for hours and causing me to be awake and writing at 3am, but it’s not that deep. It’s surface pain. It’s shallow and temporary. Most stinging hurts are… It’s the deep wounds you need to look out for.

Print this phrase out. Hang it up near your desk. I have mine over my bed. Go ahead and stick it on the fridge, in the bathroom, near your tv, on your laptop, in your cellphone… It helps to keep these reminders around. They are physical representations of our moments of mental clarity. They bring us back when our minds run away with crazy thoughts. They ground us in the now.

Everybody say it with me, “This Shit Just Ain’t That Deep”

Thanks, Ali :)

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