A letter to my followers |

A letter to my followers

Sometimes, life is very sad. Like… there’s not much of a silver lining, but there’s not supposed to be at that moment. Things just get tough and you go through it. You come out however you happen to come out on the other end. Eventually, it becomes your past, something you’ve learned a lot from. Something that has changed you.

When I was little, the most tragic thing that happened to me was that I didn’t get the Easy Bake Oven I wanted for Christmas. Every Christmas. For years. My Mom just insisted that I could use the real oven. Why waste money on a piece of crap? She was totally right, but we always have to learn those things ourselves, don’t we? I baked constantly in the regular oven. I’m not a very practiced “from scratch” baker, but I can Betty Crocker the shit out of anything. Give me a box with some powder and directions and I’m on it. A true talent, I know. (Please hold your applause until the end).

But tragedy has a scope. Our first failed test, first broken heart, and our first rejection letter from a college… they don’t stand the test of time. They don’t hurt as time passes… maybe marginally or in a nostalgic sort of way, but the cuts aren’t deep enough. We learn better than to dwell…

I’m losing my Mom. It might even be happening very soon. Possibly this week, according to the people who are with her now. I’ll soon be joining them at home.

This is tragic in a whole other way. A way I haven’t experienced before. A pain that is more unbearable than anything I’ve ever felt.

I’ve realized that those scenes in movies… the ones that are so sad that they make you sob and grab the hand of the person next to you… someone really experienced those moments. I’d bet anything on it. You can’t paint tragedy without feeling it first-hand. And some things in life, some little moments… are just so sad that you can’t believe they are really happening to you.

I’ve had a lot of these little moments lately. Heartbreaking shit that -as soon as I experience it- I think, “I must keep this to myself.” It’s too sad to even think about repeating aloud, except maybe to my therapist. Because even though my heart is breaking and I’m feeling the most sincere pain I’ve ever felt in my life, I still have this overdeveloped sense of trying to protect others from feeling the same. I think most people do.

I feel as though the part of me that would fret over trivial things and create drama, has gone away. Maybe it’s just on vacation, but I have the distinct feeling that that part of me, at least a bit of it, has died. And that’s a good thing, I think.

Danielle LaPorte calls this time in a person’s life, “Going through your fire.” Then, subsequently, rising out of the ashes. Some people have more fire in their lives than others. Maybe even a series of small burns before feeling the real thing.

The one thing I know for sure is that I am going to rise out of the ashes eventually. And I know that I will refer back to this time in my life as a turning point. My Mother’s cancer has been this crazy catalyst for change, not only in my own life, but for a lot of friends and family members. But I only know myself for sure, and I know what this has caused to happen in my own life.

And I guess, my only silver lining is that I am going through what I said in the past would be the hardest thing I’d ever do… losing my Mom. Sort of a, “If I can make it through this, then what can’t I make it through?” type of silver lining. It brings me comfort when I think about the future. It gives me space to be sad now. To be unreasonable about my own well being. To take care of everyone else when I can. To be present. To simultaneously allow myself to have a total breakdown, and also to hold it together sometimes. To be gentle with myself. To write about it freely.

Things are going to be very hard for a while. My numb auto-pilot comes and goes. I’m noticing that when something like this happens, you (or at least, I) start to question everything. It becomes so crystal clear that nothing in life is forever. That living your life in ways that don’t suit you and never conjuring up the courage to demand a change, even of yourself, is no way to live. That every second is worth it.

“Nothing is forever, so make the most of right now” can be labeled a depressing thought, but I think it’s more inspiring than depressing. I’ve seen a lot of “depressing” lately… and trust me, realizing that your future is NOT pre-determined and that you hold the reins in your life and can steer it any which way you’d like… is not a depressing thought. And that’s really what people mean when they insist that nothing is forever.

Life is not forever, so you better get on with making yours awesome.

You’re never too old to change. It’s never too late to try anything. If you’re breathing… you’re free to make the most of everything. So do it.

I’ll be here, reblogging comforting and beautiful things and writing whenever I feel like it. Using tumblr for what I think it is best suited… a support system. A place to go and be understood. A place to share. A place to find little happy moments to lighten the weight of the sad ones. A place to depend on, however overly-romanticized that statement is… it’s true.

Thank you for being a part of my life, I feel very special to have all of you along for the ride

Michelle

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